Breaking News: Tea Party Successful in Outlawing Insulation
Hidden deep within the Pandemic and All-Hazards Preparedness Reauthorization Act, recently passed by Congress and signed into law by President Obama, is a provision that outlaws insulation in all new buildings. Citing its potential as both a cause of pandemics and an all-hazard, the bill's authors concluded that insulation is a national security threat and must therefore be banned.
Tea Party leader Michelle Mozartmann took credit for the hidden line, saying, "If you look at the Constitution, you will not find the word 'insulation' in there anywhere. We believe it's time to return to the core principles on which our great nation was founded."
She went on to explain, "Look, even the green building movement doesn't like this stuff. Didn't you hear that the Green Curmudgeon called for insulation to be outlawed? And I read last year that the US Green Building Council is requiring their certified homes to be all windows with no insulation."
Insulation manufacturers and installers admit they were blindsided by this new law but are secretly pleased. The industry's trade association, Insulation Manufacturers and Partners (IMP), released a statement indicating that they're ready to comply with the law.
In addition, IMP has sought out the best of the tobacco industry's lawyers and marketing specialists to retool for the new ban. "If insulation is outlawed," stated the press release, " only outlaws will insulate. Because the US loves outlaws and anything that's banned, we think our industry is set for huge profits."
An anonymous spokesperson for IMP also remarked that this new ban will give them the opportunity to insulate the same building multiple times. The news sparked a rally on Wall Street as investors snapped up as many shares of insulation company stock as they could afford.
One insulation type, however, is exempt from this new law: Celluloaf. The Tea Party believes that it does not pose a threat to national security because the homeowners usually eat it all within the first year of living in a home with this edible insulation.
The current law applies only to new buildings but Tea Party leaders have their sights set higher. "As soon as we can, we'll extend the insulation ban to existing buildings," Tea Partier Crand Spall said. "Then we're going to go after blower doors, energy audits, and green building programs. We'd like to include infrared imaging, too, but we think we'll need that to look for violators of the insulation ban."
Photo of insulation by Vagabond Shutterbug from flickr.com, used under a Creative Commons license.