Breaking News: Tea Party Successful in Outlawing Insulation

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insulation outlaw ban tea party april fool day

Hidden deep within the Pandemic and All-Hazards Preparedness Reauthorization Act, recently passed by Congress and signed into law by President Obama, is a provision that outlaws insulation in all new buildings. Citing its potential as both a cause of pandemics and an all-hazard, the bill's authors concluded that insulation is a national security threat and must therefore be banned.

Tea Party leader Michelle Mozartmann took credit for the hidden line, saying, "If you look at the Constitution, you will not find the word 'insulation' in there anywhere. We believe it's time to return to the core principles on which our great nation was founded."

She went on to explain, "Look, even the green building movement doesn't like this stuff. Didn't you hear that the Green Curmudgeon called for insulation to be outlawed? And I read last year that the US Green Building Council is requiring their certified homes to be all windows with no insulation."

Insulation manufacturers and installers admit they were blindsided by this new law but are secretly pleased. The industry's trade association, Insulation Manufacturers and Partners (IMP), released a statement indicating that they're ready to comply with the law.

In addition, IMP has sought out the best of the tobacco industry's lawyers and marketing specialists to retool for the new ban. "If insulation is outlawed," stated the press release, " only outlaws will insulate. Because the US loves outlaws and anything that's banned, we think our industry is set for huge profits."

An anonymous spokesperson for IMP also remarked that this new ban will give them the opportunity to insulate the same building multiple times. The news sparked a rally on Wall Street as investors snapped up as many shares of insulation company stock as they could afford.

One insulation type, however, is exempt from this new law: Celluloaf. The Tea Party believes that it does not pose a threat to national security because the homeowners usually eat it all within the first year of living in a home with this edible insulation.

The current law applies only to new buildings but Tea Party leaders have their sights set higher. "As soon as we can, we'll extend the insulation ban to existing buildings," Tea Partier Crand Spall said. "Then we're going to go after blower doors, energy audits, and green building programs. We'd like to include infrared imaging, too, but we think we'll need that to look for violators of the insulation ban."

 

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Photo of insulation by Vagabond Shutterbug from flickr.com, used under a Creative Commons license.

Comments

Lisa
Apr 1 2013 - 10:12am

Damn those Tea Party-ers! Does the ban also apply to Celluloaf?

Sheila
Apr 1 2013 - 10:14am

Morning Allison  
Good to have you on top of things for us. I'm calling my broker;)

John
Apr 1 2013 - 10:16am

It's about time the TEA party came up with something worthwhile. I was beginning to think they were a little wishey washey. The idea of all windows will also save me on having to discuss siding options with my customers

John Poole
Apr 1 2013 - 10:24am

Happy April 1st to you, too, Allison! 
 
This posting is a great example of "Poe's Law" on the Internet, which states, in general, that genuine, highly ideologically-motivated postings and hyperbolic satires of the same are, by and large, completely indistinguishable.  
 
Well done! ;-) 
 
~ John

Allison Bailes
Apr 1 2013 - 10:27am

Lisa F.: I just looked through the law and found that Celluloaf is exempt from the ban and have added that fact to the article above.

Lisa
Apr 1 2013 - 10:30am

Phew! Thanks for checking on that, Dr. Bailes.

Bill Smith
Apr 1 2013 - 10:42am

Join the fight with me brothers and sisters! If they want our insulation they will have to pry it from our (still) warm dead hands!

Greg
Apr 1 2013 - 10:51am

Great article but the shame of things is that the way congress works,this could actually pass without anyone knowing.

Pj
Apr 1 2013 - 11:00am

Hey Mike, 
 
If if were not for the "idiots" you mention your Home Performance Welfare Program, excuse me, "Industry"  
would not exist. 
 
But then, it is a day for fools, 

Larry Widdifield
Apr 1 2013 - 12:45pm

Makes me proud to be a Canadian :) 
Good reporting Allison.

David
Apr 1 2013 - 1:43pm

Associated legislation will ban all devices that measure temperature and the associated record-keeping. Damn things keep showing that the earth is warming! The ban will be lifted once such devices can be recalibrated to show temperatures going down rather than up.  
 
Sponsored by the Senators from Standard Oil, Peebody Coal, Exon Mobile, et al.

Kevin
Apr 1 2013 - 2:43pm

I feel sorry for A.B.,the writer of this article. She has successfully wasted 5 minutes of my time reading it(which made absolutely NO SENSE) and many hours writing it. If she could put her talent to work in this profession rather that half ars try and opinionate herself,we might have one better person in this world.

Nora DePalma
Apr 1 2013 - 7:11pm

I agree with Kevin. Who does this Allison chick think she is? (It's still April 1 for a few more hours...)

Eric
Apr 2 2013 - 3:33pm

"Kevin's" reply sure makes me wonder if there are legions of low-paid "reputation protectors" out there commenting based on article keywords. :)

mike
Apr 8 2013 - 9:14am

you have been had , there is no such person advocating for the tea party . if you do believe me then try to find her on the internet .